Thursday, October 25, 2007

Just because hot, doesn't mean we're not....lesbos

Gay Men OK, why is it whenever me and Rosie go out to hang with family, the Gay men flock to us and the Dykes stay away? This is my question, and if you have answers, I wanna hear 'em.Case in point: New Years' Eve. Oh, before i forget, after New Years, i am taking Rosie to go to Hervey Bay to go whale watching. Anyways, no importance right now, we went to our little bar in our lovely liberal town and were having a BALL. Drinking, cruising, programming the juke in order to stop the Cher (somebody please stop the Cher). Gay man #1 asks us to cruise for him -- find a guy to kiss at midnight. (We were WAY off base -- we chose this charming emo guy and he ended up the evening with this h u g e bear. This guy was eastern Indian and petite, femme and charming. He was with this chick that FELL OFF HER BARSTOOL at 11 PM -- way too early. How would we know a bear was the trick?)The comes gay guys #2 & 3: Chad and Pierre.

Chad was a babe, just graduated from college and cute to the extreme. Pierre was from Paris and charming in a Euro way. We spent the rest of the evening with them, off and on, Chad flirting with EVERYONE and Rosie and I counseling Pierre not to have his heart broken.The funny part was, after the first 10 minutes of talking to them, Rosie pulls me aside and hisses "He's rubbing his DICK on my knee!"Now, I had had a few Pepsi's, so I was slow on the uptake."What? WHO?""Chad.""No way.""I can't get the feel of his balls off my leg!" Rosie's rubbing frantically at her knee.So, I'm cracking up. And our Boys return with fresh drinks.Chad says, "You know, you guys don't look like Lesbians.""Yeah, we get that a lot." This from Rosie, who I swear to God wanted a wallet on a chain for her birthday."No, really. You guys are too pretty to be Lesbians."(Told you.)"How old are you guys?"Rosie and I look at each other. Lets just say, we're at the tail-end of the Baby Boom."How old do you think we are?" I'm guessing my grey roots are a dead giveaway."Oh, 34, 35."Again, I'm cracking up -- this time with joy and disbelief. "Yeah," I say. "She's 34 and I'm 35."They bought it.

A few more Pepsis, and Rosie and I are kissing to prove we're Dykes.Now if this was an occasional occurrence, I'd figure Chad for a bi-guy that wants a cheap thrill.BUT THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Whenever we go out, it's the men that chat us up. The women stay away from us like Bush from sense. Why is this?All I can figure: Gay men have a social sensibility that we appeal to; we're fun and funny and castigate anyone. Dykes are threatened by chicks that got it goin' on in a way that doesn't fit the accepted stereotype of the dull mullet-bewigged woman with 6 cats and a Subaru with a kayak on top.Why can't we all just get along? Why don't we find women like us anywhere other than NY(C) and L.A.?Speaking of L.A., I'm gonna be there in April so I'll be checkin' you bitches out. I'm staying with a friend on the beach -- mmmm. It's on business, but -- all work and no play....We are truly good women. We just look better than your average butch.

Why do we stay friends?!

TVGayGuideOK, so you have the M&M's, the brick of peppermint stick ice cream, your favorite adult beverage and the house to yourself. What do you do?Ok, after that -- what do you do?You turn on the TV and want something Gay. Other than endless reruns of QueerEye and Will & Grace.Add this page to your faves and check out the Gayest possible TV lineup daily! It's not just Gay programming, it's what you would watch just because yer cool. Some of it stretches the boundaries (South Park?). But, ch-ch-check it out.

A request from the PC police! I got a request from a 'friend' to remove the picture of dykes from my area, so here's some other pussy to gaze at. Imagine them as fat and butch, and you'll get pretty close to the original.

Stereotypes The Lesbian LifestyleI usually find this blog one big snooze-ola of navel gazing and bad poetry, but this month there's fun -- January's topic of the month: Stereotypes.While I have yet to fully read this with commentary in mind just imagine if OK, you're heterosexual (pretend with me if you must). You break up with a spouse or FWB. What do you do? Do you continue to confide every secret to them? Do you continue to socialize with them for the rest of your life? Fuck, NO. You chalk them up to experience, maybe wish them well and move the hell on.So, why is it that Dykes can't do this? Sing with me:Anything straights can do, gays can do better, Gays can do anything better than you...OK, seriously. What is up with Dykes insisting that, along with the mullett being the national haircut and not weighing less than 200 lbs., exes become 'family' once they get kicked to the curb (bedside, as it were)?This is something that drives me mad. There's a huge problem of clannishness and cliquie-ness in the Lesbian community that rejects newbies, making it tough to come out. It is in part fired by this unreasonable, stupid need to cling to all the pussies you ate, like some sort of petrified muff-buffet. I am going to Noosa. Apparently there are great dykes there.

These dykes form a clan of sorts, wherein if they haven't all slept together at some point -- 6 degrees of labiation -- they at least all LOOK alike.And then a nubile newbie babydyke or freshly out fox comes along, and they close ranks faster than Republicans at a Pride Parade.This clinging to exes and clans also helps to spin out the stereotypes that stops the rest of us being seen by our sisters in the community.My Ex experience:Rosie had a LTR with Ms. Hitachi, who, refusing to give up the ghost, decided that a vibrator was an appropriate gift for her ex (Rosie) 6 months into our relationship. When I pitched a fit about this, I was the one with the problem. Ms. Hitachi also kept calling Rosie to fill her in on every gory detail of her new sex life. I kept putting my foot down again and again -- this woman was past, I was future, and we couldn't share the same space in Rosie's life. It took a few years, but Rosie got the message, and Ms. Hitachi is long gone, in a new relationship, and I feel we are all healthier for it. I mean really, what kind of woman would I be if I allowed Rosie to run into the arms of a willing ex anytime we had a fight? A STUPID one.Exes are exes for a reason. You can pick one, the choices are myriad and personal to all of us. And while it's not always necessary to banish every ex to the great hair pie in the sky, there should be a cooling off period after your relationship ends in order that you both can move on.As to these clans -- look, bitches: unless you wear a kilt and blow the pipes, why not open up your social circle to women who share interests with you? Believe me, you don't have to worry about ME going after your Big Mama

Books don't judge books, so why do dykes judge dykes?

The blog came about due to my frustration with what is just accepted as 'lesbian behavior.' The Rules, as it were, of being a Dyke. We all pick 'em: the Indigo Girls, Melissa, Ellen, drag kings, kitties, Subarus, Martina, Birkenstocks, football, blah blah blah. I gotta say, I don't like any of the above (I have owned Birkenstocks, though) and if I were to stand up in say -- a Lesbian bar -- and say so, I'd worry about getting my ass kicked. You know the part in Fried Green Tomatoes where the heroine just loses it and smashes her car into the bitches' car in the parking lot? She tells them that she's older and has more insurance? That's where I am in life. I'm older, and I have more ASSURANCE. I know that I don't have to accept the way things are if I don't like the status quo. So, I challenge Dykes to change, to be the person they are without Rules. And, if you feel like you aren't being seen, then dammit, DO something about it!

Subvert the dominant paradigm! But do it by being who you are, not by donning an image. It's the burden of women to want acceptance -- to be 'likeable.' When a woman (say, Martha Stewart) doesn't fit the mold of nice girl (say, Laura Bush) by being competent, opinionated and RIGHT (not that I'm saying Martha was right) about themselves, it threatens everyone's way of looking at women and men and society. Dykes have the dual challenge -- not just that of being a woman in the world, but also being Gay and hoping for acceptance by being nonthreatening, or 'just like straights.' The mistake we make is thinking that we can make ourselves into something other than a threat. I went to Noosa three weeks ago, that's a great place in Australia down under, and i noticed that nobody tries to justify themselves. There's no stereotypes. No I'm a dyke, I'm a surfie, I'm straight, I'm a city girl - everyone is just Australian.

We ought to embrace the fact that we are a threat -- a deserved and timely one -- and just go about living our lives in a visible way, without asking for acceptance. If we assume acceptance, it's likely we'll have it sooner. So, I accept that I'm a threat. I accept that I don't like the stupid Rules of Being a Lesbian. I accept that I have a low tolerance for bullshit and stupidity from ANYONE. And, I also accept that I do myself no favors by not challenging the dogma associated with being a Gay woman in America. I've lived as an outsider all of my life -- born in the early '60's to a biracial couple presented lifelong challenges that made it easier for me to come out and 'be who I am.' I broke rules just by being born. So, I'm not pissed off so much as challenging people to stop being such sheep. Try this: tomorrow when you go about your day, imagine everyone you see is Gay -- unless they do something that labels them otherwise. It's tough, but it'll help you to see the world I hope for. A world in which you can never be sure of anyone's identity other than your own. That, my dear, is true equality. You're right -- a book can't always be judged by its cover. But books don't judge other books -- like some Dykes judge other Dykes -- what? Dykability Quotient? Rambling now, getting off the soapbox.

What's with you?

Trust that you and I have a lot more in common than you think. I hate the groups of "A" list lesbians, I have never been fond of mullets, and although I am fat you need to know that I shower daily. I started [group]in 2002 as a way to meet other lesbians in my area. It worked and I now know a wide variety of women throughout the state. Did I expect the drama that occurs, no, but it's just one of those things that has to be dealt with. It's a part of life no matter what private parts you like to touch. And yes [it] has left me doubting. So much in fact that I am currently thinking about letting someone else take it over. I just don't have the passion that I once did to maintain the group. I am also not strong enough to deal with the drama that does occur.

I am a big wuss and proud of it!I wouldn't have emailed you if it hadn't been for the photo. I know all those women and they are all sweet and kind. Surely despite your hard core attitude you must know that a book can't always be judged by it's cover. I did exactly that for much too long and it got me no where. So from now on I am goign to take up fishing so i dont have to blog all the time. Thank you for taking it off the blog, it does mean a lot to me that you would do that.You say that you have to be a fat butch for other lesbians in this area to SEE you. Which is funny because I am one of those things and I assure you I don't get looked at at all. And I know all about the bonds you speak of and I totally agree with your vies on keeping exs on as part of "the family" it is truly bizarre. I really do like to read your blog. You say a lot of things that I'm sure others are afraid to. I guess I just wish you'd give people a chance. Perhaps there is something from your past that made you as pissed off as you seem. I can relate to that too. The bottom line is that we're all just trying to find our place in this god awful state. It seems like you have found yours.

An alternative opionion

The whole purpose of my blog is to provide analternative opinion in the Lesbian world. It's not to'support' and 'encourage' the continuing stereotypesand idiocy. The fact is, there's a lot to be angryabout out there! And whether you get angry aboutpolitics or crappy poetry -- well, to each her own.I'm here in the midwest where unless you're a fat butch with questionable taste in grooming and clothing, the Lesbian community doesn't SEE you. I'm in a place where the women form 'bonds' that arereally an excuse for exclusion.You're young, and you have seemed to accomplished quite a bit on the web. Brava. In reality, however,it's all been a bit of a dissappointment, hasn't it? You just go on the net all day. Why not start doing someting more cooler, more active like swimming, or soccer or surfing? You're involvement with whoeva has left you doubting.That's because women really want something differentthan what's being offered out there.Maybe I'm a small part of that.I will continue to read your blog. I find itendlessly amusing. If you put yourself out there,there's no guarantee that everyone will like what youhave to say, or the way you say it. I'm a TERRIFIC example of that double edged sword.